I have had several people question the validity of the statements made on the web site due to the sole fact that there was no biographical information on the web master (me).  I had intentionally decided not to include any personal information because my message is that of Christ's and not mine and I did not want to gain or lose people simply based on my information.  Many times we judge the message on whether we like or dislike the messenger and I was hoping to avoid the trapping of this human frailty. However, I have been chastised as having "false modesty" and having "cult-like secrecy" in my intentions to promote only information from the Scripture and not about me, so I have reluctantly added this personal information.

I grew up in New Mexico the son of a dentist (Dad) and an accountant turned registered nurse (Mom).  I began college in pre-medicine with the intention of becoming a surgeon. I was raised in the Disciples of Christ church where I was very active in youth activities, choir, and even served as jr. minister on youth Sundays. My undergraduate work was at Trinity University and New Mexico State University. During my college career where I was pursuing dual degrees in biology and chemistry, my sister almost died. Watching the ER doctors and nurses struggle to save her life (which they did) I witnessed them lose 12 other patients in a 36 hour period.  The emotional stress and strain that was apparent on the face of each of those professionals made me realize that I did not want to be the person who had to go and tell a family that their loved one was gone.  I then focused only on my chemistry studies and added a minor in philosophy.

Upon graduating in 1989, I joined the U.S. Navy as a commissioned officer in the nuclear propulsion program.   Here I learned the ins and outs of operating a nuclear power plant for either a submarine or surface vessel. Up until this time, I had effectively ignored my sexuality. Throughout high school I was busy with Key Club, choir and the popularity games all teenagers play. In college I focused on my studies and my friends. I dated women now and then since it was expected behavior, but I never felt sexually attracted to them and as time went on, I realized it took more energy faking my affection than it took to just have no interest at all.  I had many female as well as male friends, but was not intimate with any of them.  Once in the Navy and away from my established support group of friends, I began to feel very isolated and alone.

All of us nukes felt pretty isolated.  It is not a very forgiving section of the Navy.  People are expected to be essentially perfect (who wants to be responsible for a nuclear disastor) and most if not all people experience a great deal of stress and self-doubt.  Some of the lucky sailors and officers had wives or girlfriends (maybe a boyfriend if well hidden) that they could look to for support (a gentle comforting love) that allowed them to endure the stress. Others would drink heavily and have numerous one night stands with people in order to release some of their stress and connect with another person, even if only for one night.  I had neither.  I had not fully accepted my sexual orientation and I fully understood that homosexuality was considered incompatible with military service.

As an officer I felt it was my duty to lead by example and therefore would not allow myself to break the rules and explore my sexuality.  This caused a great deal of depression and added stress. Drinking became more and more of a necessity, of course, alcohol is a depressant, so it was not horribly effective in fixing the problem.

Because of what man had taught me in church, I would cry out to God on numerous occasions to cure me, to take this cross away from me, to rid me of this perversion, etc., etc., etc.  The more I struggled against my sexuality the more angry I became at God and the further He and I drifted apart. What had once been a wonderfully nurturing relationship, had soured into a guilt ridden angry confrontation. After enduring this hell for some time, I finally decided to indulge my curiosity a little, since I still could not allow myself to actually break the military rules and engage in a physical act, I purchased some pornographic material.  That experience was on one hand the most liberating experience and on the other the most terrifying.  It was liberating to actually see other people doing things that I had only thought about and thus actually realizing that I was not alone in the world. It was terrifying because it confirmed my worst fears, I was gay.

I continued with what I considered to be the lesser of two evils, I was at least not actually engaging in sexual acts deemed illegal by the military, I was just watching them.  Of course, it could not go on for ever.  One time my videos in their plain brown wrapping were delivered to my neighbor.  He promptly turned the material over to the local Naval Command and my career was quickly over.  When asked by my commanding officer (this was before 'don't ask don't tell) whether the tape was mine and if I were gay it was very clear that if I lied I would be believed and the subject dropped. I felt it was my duty to tell the truth so I was discharged for "Homosexuality-Admission". I should also note that I was awarded an Honorable Discharge.

Imagine my anger at God now, not only did I believe had He created me as an abomination destined for eternal damnation, but I was also unemployed because of who He made me.  Needless to say, I was a complete joy to be around, not. My mother did not know the truth of my discharge but seemed very disappointed in her now unemployed and former officer son.  I spiraled into excessive drinking and porn usage.  Not only was I dealing with my sexuality I was dealing with separation 'anxiety' from leaving the military. For those that have never served you may not understand, so let me try and explain. The military is a 'family' and now I was kicked out of this family, so I was feeling very alone.

While at Keystone on a skiing trip with my dad, I asked God that if He was going to condemn me (since that is what I had been taught), He at least could allow me the opportunity to have a partner in this life.

Almost immediately I received a job offer with an environmental company working for Rocky Flats in Denver, CO and within a month I began dating a wonderful fellow.  We moved into together and lived quite happily for four years or so.

Even though I was very happy in my relationship and had let go of my anger towards God, I had the constant nagging feeling that I was destined for hellfire, some days I could easily ignore that and others not so easily.

In 1995 my grandmother passed away. My grandmother was one of the most loving, caring, and yet powerful (financially, politically) people I will probably ever know. Seeing that no matter who you are, we all die, I began thinking a great deal about my mortality. The company I was working for began experiencing financial problems and cut back our hours.  I developed a very strange rash which many people at work attributed to my increased level of stress and recommended that I try some homeopathic (herbal) medicine.  During lunch one day, I went to the health food store and purchased the recommended medication (one of them being Ignatia Amara) . Within moments of taking the pills I almost blacked out, my heart was racing, I broke into a sweat, I could not breath  - I felt I was going to die.  I managed to drive myself to the nearest emergency room.  It took about half an hour to be seen by a physician, by this point I was close to delirious - on the edge of what I felt to be a nervous breakdown, heart attack, or both.  He informed me that the herb taken was the same as strychnine used in mouse poison.  The homeopathic theory was that since this drug attacks the nervous system, in small doses it would cause a slight enough tremor in the neurological electrical impulses that the thoughts of stress would not reach the brain. Unfortunately, the manufacture of homeopathic medications is not regulated by the FDA and thus some pills contain more and others less than is intended - mine apparently contained more.  After hours at the hospital I was sent home.

I was unable to let go of what seemed like a life threatening experience. I would re-live the event in my mind so vividly that I began to experience the same physiological effects as I had earlier. This went on for days and then weeks - the symptoms progressed to the point that I was barely able to go to work for fear that I would die if I over exerted myself.  One night, about 2 AM I got out of bed and went for a run.  I had been an avid jogger prior to this, but had stopped for fear of a heart attack. I ran and ran and ran, I told God that if I were a sinner for being gay and He wanted to strike me dead to just get it over with. Running and crying for about an hour I made it home - I then realized that my fear of dying was not death itself, but fear of the after-life.  I did not want to spend eternity in hell.  I decided right then and there that I needed to know for sure if homosexuality was condemned in the Bible (to date I had not spent a lot of time studying this aspect of scripture and only knew what is considered "common knowledge" - that faggots were sinners and sinners went to hell).

I began searching for a Bible college or church school that could teach me about the scriptures. I was determined to understand them and if they revealed that in fact I was living a life of sin I would leave my partner right then and there, since I could not endure this neurotic behavior any longer.

I fully expected to learn that homosexuality was wrong and I was willing to live the rest of my life in chastity in order to comply with what I then assumed to be God's will.  I prayed to God to lead me to the school He wanted me to attend. The first college He lead me to was Christ Evangelical Bible Institute (CEBI). With fear and determination, I enrolled in their course. What I found to my absolute surprise was that homosexuality was not condemned in the Bible (as my website presents) and that one can be homosexual and Christian.   Immediately my panic attacks subsided considerably, because I then knew that when I die, whether it was that day or 60 years from then, I would be with Christ and that there was nothing to fear, for nothing could remove me from His divine protection.  I had realized that I had previously bought into the damaging and destructive lie promulgated by a minority of "religious" leaders and that God's plan for me did not include damnation or uncontrollable fear, but peace, love, and salvation.

I have continued to take Bible Study courses from CEBI in order to expand my knowledge of Christ's Holy Word. I have attend a local Disciples of Christ church as well as Calvary Chapel. I have completed my Master's and Ph.D degrees in Environmental Engineering.  I also am a member of the world's oldest and largest fraternity, Freemasonry.

I did seek professional counseling as well to overcome my panic attacks, but the greatest tool in defeating these attacks was God's Word and His love for me. Since my freedom from the destructive pain caused by satan's lies and the realization of God's awesome love I have felt compelled to share this information with others who may be in similar situations and I hope that I can serve God by encouraging and enlightening others.
 

- Dr. John